Getting closer

Wow! I am getting closer to having an actual daily blog.

I think that is because I am on a downhill roll with my Depression again.
I do not know why. I do know that it's coming. There is this sensation within that says, "You are heading down to the pit again. No, you are not there yet, but it's coming!" I always hate that sensation because no matter how bad I feel today, I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. And hitting bottom of the pit is the worst.

The pit is a feeling like falling into a dark hole and it's raining and no matter how hard I try, I can't climb out. The rain turns the dirt to mud and my feet sink into it and as I try to pull myself out, my hands fill with it. The sensation of being all alone is huge, but even worse is the feeling of loneliness. There is no one around. No one cares.

That is the reality of Depression.

There is nothing I can do and no one around to help.

And no one understands.


No, I am not there today. But the feeling that it is coming is strong.

Even the person who I depend on most in my life doesn't help. Sure he tries but only in the next to darkest moments. ALL the other times he forgets about it and acts as if life is one big joke and that it is okay to make me feel bad about my thoughts and actions. Everything I do is wrong because it's not the way he would do it or he thinks that I am a sponge and absorbs everything I see and hear on tv. I should just know stuff. I am not a sponge. And his condesending joke like remarks hurt. And there is nothing I can do about that because he thinks everyone is like him and that everything is a big joke.

I have had friends in the past and present who are going through or been through some tough times. I helped them through that with conversation and suggestions. They are always around when they need something. Now where are those friends? I don't know. Here but Gone. I feel like such a doormat. But if given the opportunity, I would do it again for them. I don't understand why this happens to me. I guess it says "welcome" across my forehead.

I am so... ready to move to TV Land.

I am so angry today.

Why is it that I am the only one who is supposed to work around here. By work I mean, clean, do laundry, dishes, ect. Am I that big of a doormat?
I already know the answer to that is yes, but sometimes I hate the world because of the users that I live with.

All three of my kids were told over a week ago about how this was cleaning weekend. How many cleaned? Two. But at the effort level of .5 and .5 each.

And I can't believe at how uncaring they are about our stuff. Our hard earned stuff that cost money and that we worked very hard to earn.

I found gum on the floor in numerous spots that I had to scrape and towels shoved in the back of the closet stained with food coloring from some "project" and moldy food, wet, moldy towels and makeup stains on furniture and just all kinds of junk all over the floors.

And of course no one did this stuff. It was the other sibling or... no one claimed any wrong doing. It was the house ghost, "not me".

Sometimes I just want to run away from how horrible my life is.

I want to escape this reality.

Where is that picture perfect family as seen on tv? With the perfect house, perfect car, and perfect kids? It does not exist in reality.

I want to escape this reality and I want to go live in TV Land.

Another wild dream

I usually don't remember having dreams though they say we always have them.

I had a dream that I woke up and discovered that my neighbors house had a fire during the night. It destroyed a majority of the house so it would be considered a total loss. I couldn't believe it because their house is pretty close to our house and when I "woke up" I heard all this noise next door so I went out on our front porch to see what was up. There were fire trucks, ambulances, police, sherriff cars all over the street and yard surrounding the neighbors house. Why would this not have awakened me earlier? It was morning and the house still had some smoke but the fire was under control. So I just kept looking at the house and all the cars and couldn't believe that I slept through all the commotion so close outside my bedroom window.
Realizing I had my pjs on, I went inside to change and when I got back outside, there was a moving company there and they jacked up the house and started moving it off the lot. All the emergency vehicles had left. So I stood on the porch and watched them place a huge trailer under the house and tow it off into the street like childsplay.
So I went to grab my phone to call and tell someone what was all going on and when I returned, guys were filling in the hole with dirt and laying sod over it.
I blinked my eyes and there stood the neighbor guy in front of me. He said we could have the land since they didn't need it anymore.

In reality, my head started swimming and I sat up in bed. What was going on? So I looked out my bedroom window and the house was still there, just as I remembered it had been yesterday. Ah... a dream.

What kind of dream was it? Did it mean something? I tried to analyze the weirdness of it. I came up with this: I've been wanting to move somewhere that I won't have close neighbors,but I like my house. Maybe I thought it easier to get rid of the neighbors. But that makes no sence. But who says dreams have to make sence? No one. So I thought about what appeared to be time lapsing. Maybe I want something to move a lot faster. Maybe I want time to move faster so I can realize a dream of mine. Or maybe, since I seemed so confused during the dream, that time was moving too fast and I felt I was missing out on something important. I guess it was a warning of some sort, but only time will tell.