Wow! I am getting closer to having an actual daily blog.
I think that is because I am on a downhill roll with my Depression again.
I do not know why. I do know that it's coming. There is this sensation within that says, "You are heading down to the pit again. No, you are not there yet, but it's coming!" I always hate that sensation because no matter how bad I feel today, I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. And hitting bottom of the pit is the worst.
The pit is a feeling like falling into a dark hole and it's raining and no matter how hard I try, I can't climb out. The rain turns the dirt to mud and my feet sink into it and as I try to pull myself out, my hands fill with it. The sensation of being all alone is huge, but even worse is the feeling of loneliness. There is no one around. No one cares.
That is the reality of Depression.
There is nothing I can do and no one around to help.
And no one understands.
No, I am not there today. But the feeling that it is coming is strong.
Even the person who I depend on most in my life doesn't help. Sure he tries but only in the next to darkest moments. ALL the other times he forgets about it and acts as if life is one big joke and that it is okay to make me feel bad about my thoughts and actions. Everything I do is wrong because it's not the way he would do it or he thinks that I am a sponge and absorbs everything I see and hear on tv. I should just know stuff. I am not a sponge. And his condesending joke like remarks hurt. And there is nothing I can do about that because he thinks everyone is like him and that everything is a big joke.
I have had friends in the past and present who are going through or been through some tough times. I helped them through that with conversation and suggestions. They are always around when they need something. Now where are those friends? I don't know. Here but Gone. I feel like such a doormat. But if given the opportunity, I would do it again for them. I don't understand why this happens to me. I guess it says "welcome" across my forehead.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I am so... ready to move to TV Land.
I am so angry today.
Why is it that I am the only one who is supposed to work around here. By work I mean, clean, do laundry, dishes, ect. Am I that big of a doormat?
I already know the answer to that is yes, but sometimes I hate the world because of the users that I live with.
All three of my kids were told over a week ago about how this was cleaning weekend. How many cleaned? Two. But at the effort level of .5 and .5 each.
And I can't believe at how uncaring they are about our stuff. Our hard earned stuff that cost money and that we worked very hard to earn.
I found gum on the floor in numerous spots that I had to scrape and towels shoved in the back of the closet stained with food coloring from some "project" and moldy food, wet, moldy towels and makeup stains on furniture and just all kinds of junk all over the floors.
And of course no one did this stuff. It was the other sibling or... no one claimed any wrong doing. It was the house ghost, "not me".
Sometimes I just want to run away from how horrible my life is.
I want to escape this reality.
Where is that picture perfect family as seen on tv? With the perfect house, perfect car, and perfect kids? It does not exist in reality.
I want to escape this reality and I want to go live in TV Land.
Why is it that I am the only one who is supposed to work around here. By work I mean, clean, do laundry, dishes, ect. Am I that big of a doormat?
I already know the answer to that is yes, but sometimes I hate the world because of the users that I live with.
All three of my kids were told over a week ago about how this was cleaning weekend. How many cleaned? Two. But at the effort level of .5 and .5 each.
And I can't believe at how uncaring they are about our stuff. Our hard earned stuff that cost money and that we worked very hard to earn.
I found gum on the floor in numerous spots that I had to scrape and towels shoved in the back of the closet stained with food coloring from some "project" and moldy food, wet, moldy towels and makeup stains on furniture and just all kinds of junk all over the floors.
And of course no one did this stuff. It was the other sibling or... no one claimed any wrong doing. It was the house ghost, "not me".
Sometimes I just want to run away from how horrible my life is.
I want to escape this reality.
Where is that picture perfect family as seen on tv? With the perfect house, perfect car, and perfect kids? It does not exist in reality.
I want to escape this reality and I want to go live in TV Land.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Another wild dream
I usually don't remember having dreams though they say we always have them.
I had a dream that I woke up and discovered that my neighbors house had a fire during the night. It destroyed a majority of the house so it would be considered a total loss. I couldn't believe it because their house is pretty close to our house and when I "woke up" I heard all this noise next door so I went out on our front porch to see what was up. There were fire trucks, ambulances, police, sherriff cars all over the street and yard surrounding the neighbors house. Why would this not have awakened me earlier? It was morning and the house still had some smoke but the fire was under control. So I just kept looking at the house and all the cars and couldn't believe that I slept through all the commotion so close outside my bedroom window.
Realizing I had my pjs on, I went inside to change and when I got back outside, there was a moving company there and they jacked up the house and started moving it off the lot. All the emergency vehicles had left. So I stood on the porch and watched them place a huge trailer under the house and tow it off into the street like childsplay.
So I went to grab my phone to call and tell someone what was all going on and when I returned, guys were filling in the hole with dirt and laying sod over it.
I blinked my eyes and there stood the neighbor guy in front of me. He said we could have the land since they didn't need it anymore.
In reality, my head started swimming and I sat up in bed. What was going on? So I looked out my bedroom window and the house was still there, just as I remembered it had been yesterday. Ah... a dream.
What kind of dream was it? Did it mean something? I tried to analyze the weirdness of it. I came up with this: I've been wanting to move somewhere that I won't have close neighbors,but I like my house. Maybe I thought it easier to get rid of the neighbors. But that makes no sence. But who says dreams have to make sence? No one. So I thought about what appeared to be time lapsing. Maybe I want something to move a lot faster. Maybe I want time to move faster so I can realize a dream of mine. Or maybe, since I seemed so confused during the dream, that time was moving too fast and I felt I was missing out on something important. I guess it was a warning of some sort, but only time will tell.
I had a dream that I woke up and discovered that my neighbors house had a fire during the night. It destroyed a majority of the house so it would be considered a total loss. I couldn't believe it because their house is pretty close to our house and when I "woke up" I heard all this noise next door so I went out on our front porch to see what was up. There were fire trucks, ambulances, police, sherriff cars all over the street and yard surrounding the neighbors house. Why would this not have awakened me earlier? It was morning and the house still had some smoke but the fire was under control. So I just kept looking at the house and all the cars and couldn't believe that I slept through all the commotion so close outside my bedroom window.
Realizing I had my pjs on, I went inside to change and when I got back outside, there was a moving company there and they jacked up the house and started moving it off the lot. All the emergency vehicles had left. So I stood on the porch and watched them place a huge trailer under the house and tow it off into the street like childsplay.
So I went to grab my phone to call and tell someone what was all going on and when I returned, guys were filling in the hole with dirt and laying sod over it.
I blinked my eyes and there stood the neighbor guy in front of me. He said we could have the land since they didn't need it anymore.
In reality, my head started swimming and I sat up in bed. What was going on? So I looked out my bedroom window and the house was still there, just as I remembered it had been yesterday. Ah... a dream.
What kind of dream was it? Did it mean something? I tried to analyze the weirdness of it. I came up with this: I've been wanting to move somewhere that I won't have close neighbors,but I like my house. Maybe I thought it easier to get rid of the neighbors. But that makes no sence. But who says dreams have to make sence? No one. So I thought about what appeared to be time lapsing. Maybe I want something to move a lot faster. Maybe I want time to move faster so I can realize a dream of mine. Or maybe, since I seemed so confused during the dream, that time was moving too fast and I felt I was missing out on something important. I guess it was a warning of some sort, but only time will tell.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Dream - Stroke
I had a pretty vivid dream the other night. In it I had a stroke and it wiped out my memory and I went back in time and was trying to live that life because it was all I could remember. So many things had changed. There were/are new people in my life now vs. back then and it was painful to see certain people hurt because I didn't remember them. But yet, the people in my memory were not the same as they had aged.
Painful because I almost felt like I knew no one but at the same time I felt more at peace with my life in that past than in the "present". It's so hard to explain. Anyway, it was only a weird dream.
Painful because I almost felt like I knew no one but at the same time I felt more at peace with my life in that past than in the "present". It's so hard to explain. Anyway, it was only a weird dream.
Epic Fail
Okay so this may never be a daily blog. I just get too tired everyday to sit at the computer to try to write a creative blog.
I don't remember if I blogged it but my meds were reduced to 150mg. Not too sure that was a good move, but I am having a pretty normal sleep cycle. So that is good. But I am more emotional and can break down from left field... not knowing why.
Looking at alot of changes this year. My son is joining the USAF. My one daughter is graduating high school. The third kid will be a teenager this year. I will be a 40 year old parent of three teenagers. Wow! LOL!
As I was sitting at my daughter's class day today I thought back on my own class day. I was one of those kids who was undecided. As I sat there today, 20 some odd years later, I was still that same kid. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, yeah, it's passing me by. I am a CNA and a dang good one. But I can't help but wonder... is this it? Is this my life? Is this all I will ever do/be?
I don't remember if I blogged it but my meds were reduced to 150mg. Not too sure that was a good move, but I am having a pretty normal sleep cycle. So that is good. But I am more emotional and can break down from left field... not knowing why.
Looking at alot of changes this year. My son is joining the USAF. My one daughter is graduating high school. The third kid will be a teenager this year. I will be a 40 year old parent of three teenagers. Wow! LOL!
As I was sitting at my daughter's class day today I thought back on my own class day. I was one of those kids who was undecided. As I sat there today, 20 some odd years later, I was still that same kid. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, yeah, it's passing me by. I am a CNA and a dang good one. But I can't help but wonder... is this it? Is this my life? Is this all I will ever do/be?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
New Beginnings...
This was an old blog that I had started awhile back. I decided to start a daily blog so I have erased the majority of the past blog. I have kept some of the older entries as references to the past to to help start a more personal blog that will contain my daily thoughts and actions... Doogie Howser style but I probably won't include any lessons at the end.
I am not a smart person. I am just an average Jane Doe trying to live my life the best way I know how. I am not rich. I am not beautiful. I make bad decisions. I can sit here and list all the things I am not, or start a list on all the things I am. But that would make for boring reading. Not that this blog will ever be exciting, but like the page says at the top "these are my stories, like them or not."
Thanks for reading or/or subscribing.
I am not a smart person. I am just an average Jane Doe trying to live my life the best way I know how. I am not rich. I am not beautiful. I make bad decisions. I can sit here and list all the things I am not, or start a list on all the things I am. But that would make for boring reading. Not that this blog will ever be exciting, but like the page says at the top "these are my stories, like them or not."
Thanks for reading or/or subscribing.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thinking...
I was thinking today while I was doing another project that I still haven't started the daily blog. I will start doing that. Today is the first day and I might as well just go ahead and use THIS one since... it's already started and gives some background to things. Most blogs will be personal and probably sound pretty stupid at first... but it will be an out where I can think about things.
So... to UPDATE since some of the older blogs...
Yes, I still work for the staffing company. I have worked at the following locations and still love working for them. I love the fact that I don't get drawn into all the drama anywhere. I like to learn new things from different places how to do the exact same things. I also see other things where certain places need improvment and where other places excel.
I have worked at:
Bethany Manor in Story City, IA
Perry Healthcare Center in Perry, IA
Polk City Nursing & Rehab Center in Polk City, IA
On With Life in Ankeny, IA
and Homecare company in Ames, IA
I got five new fish for my aquarium yesterday. All the others are doing great especially Elainie's goldfish. It has grown huge! Thinking of moving it to a new location since the biggest fish in the tank shouldn't be a goldfish, in my opinion.
The new fish are four red eyed tetras and one algea eater. Alexis thinks the algea eater is so cute. okay.
The tank is doing good.
I haven't taken many photos for my brother's weekly ameteaur photography postings. But I might get back into it soon.
The big question: How is my mental health?
Well, since the doc upped my med to 225mg, it got a lot better, but then it turned for the not so good. I was only able to successfully stay awake for 8 - 10 hours a day. That got me through work and then I'd get home and go right back to sleep. So, we decided to decrease it back down to 150mg. That helped a lot with the sleeping and increased energy, but I got headaches and old symptoms started back up that I feel happening and when I feel it I have been trying to control on my own. However, controling on my own got me in a huge mess before starting any meds. I have a Dr. apt. April 15, to re-evaluate. Maybe there is a lucky dose between 150 & 225?
Also with meds. I have learned to hate dealing with Insurance Companies. They love red tape and make simple things as complex as possible. Like for example, my meds. They refuse to pay for the original prescription because I was using a generic and the generic was not recognized as a drug to them. So they had the pharmacist switch it to the name brand and then decided that they wouldn't pay for it. So, it was going to be over $200. per month. But Jason's insurance company (yes, we have 2 diff companies) has a drug plan that helped pay a portion leaving us to pay "only" $116. per month. Luckily, our pharmacist caught on and said lets see it we can figure something else out. So he had Dr. T represcribe the pills into a capsule form and WAHLA! The insurance pays all but $5. STUPID! But anyway, thank you Mr. Hy-Vee Pharmcist.
My physical health? Pretty good other than an occassional spasm & slight pain in the neck. Yeah, I'm watching it. Doing exercises with it, keeping it as good as possible by watching what I am doing. Most the time it is okay and all is well.
We are painting our basement. John & Jason helped some, and I have been working on the rest. I hate painting over bricks and blocks. Doesn't coverthe best which is why it's taking so long to do. But once done, it's going to be a great place for our family to be. And hopefully it gets used!
Elainie has Prom and Graduation coming up. She got a job at Bethany Manor in Story City as a CNA. Starts soon PRN, then after school is out, she goes fulltime on the evening shift.
All for now. Until 2mro!
So... to UPDATE since some of the older blogs...
Yes, I still work for the staffing company. I have worked at the following locations and still love working for them. I love the fact that I don't get drawn into all the drama anywhere. I like to learn new things from different places how to do the exact same things. I also see other things where certain places need improvment and where other places excel.
I have worked at:
Bethany Manor in Story City, IA
Perry Healthcare Center in Perry, IA
Polk City Nursing & Rehab Center in Polk City, IA
On With Life in Ankeny, IA
and Homecare company in Ames, IA
I got five new fish for my aquarium yesterday. All the others are doing great especially Elainie's goldfish. It has grown huge! Thinking of moving it to a new location since the biggest fish in the tank shouldn't be a goldfish, in my opinion.
The new fish are four red eyed tetras and one algea eater. Alexis thinks the algea eater is so cute. okay.
The tank is doing good.
I haven't taken many photos for my brother's weekly ameteaur photography postings. But I might get back into it soon.
The big question: How is my mental health?
Well, since the doc upped my med to 225mg, it got a lot better, but then it turned for the not so good. I was only able to successfully stay awake for 8 - 10 hours a day. That got me through work and then I'd get home and go right back to sleep. So, we decided to decrease it back down to 150mg. That helped a lot with the sleeping and increased energy, but I got headaches and old symptoms started back up that I feel happening and when I feel it I have been trying to control on my own. However, controling on my own got me in a huge mess before starting any meds. I have a Dr. apt. April 15, to re-evaluate. Maybe there is a lucky dose between 150 & 225?
Also with meds. I have learned to hate dealing with Insurance Companies. They love red tape and make simple things as complex as possible. Like for example, my meds. They refuse to pay for the original prescription because I was using a generic and the generic was not recognized as a drug to them. So they had the pharmacist switch it to the name brand and then decided that they wouldn't pay for it. So, it was going to be over $200. per month. But Jason's insurance company (yes, we have 2 diff companies) has a drug plan that helped pay a portion leaving us to pay "only" $116. per month. Luckily, our pharmacist caught on and said lets see it we can figure something else out. So he had Dr. T represcribe the pills into a capsule form and WAHLA! The insurance pays all but $5. STUPID! But anyway, thank you Mr. Hy-Vee Pharmcist.
My physical health? Pretty good other than an occassional spasm & slight pain in the neck. Yeah, I'm watching it. Doing exercises with it, keeping it as good as possible by watching what I am doing. Most the time it is okay and all is well.
We are painting our basement. John & Jason helped some, and I have been working on the rest. I hate painting over bricks and blocks. Doesn't coverthe best which is why it's taking so long to do. But once done, it's going to be a great place for our family to be. And hopefully it gets used!
Elainie has Prom and Graduation coming up. She got a job at Bethany Manor in Story City as a CNA. Starts soon PRN, then after school is out, she goes fulltime on the evening shift.
All for now. Until 2mro!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life does go on...
Yes, it has been awhile since I blogged on this blog. I have blogged on another blog a couple times. One day soon I will just have ONE blog and it will be a daily blog.
I've been sleeping lately, but now it is way too much. From one extreme to the other!
I can go to bed, sleep 6 - 7 hourse, wake up, take my med, take the kid to school, come back home, go to bed about 8:30am and wake up at Noon. Yes, I am totally serious. So, my Mom keeps calling me and asking me to go out for lunch. I think she thinks I will start expecting that call and just stay up out of bed everyday. I do need to do that but, with the weather being the way it is, all I want to do is snuggle up under the nice warm blankets!
And I got a job. I had a great interview with a wonderful woman who contacted all my references the same day and she offered me a job. I was honest and detailed about the stuff from my previous employer and she said I seemed like a great person, and my references gave me glowing reviews so she wasn't worried about anything. If something comes up, we'll handle it together she said. No worries. So, that is awesome! I go to orientation in the morning so, I do have to get to bed.
More later!
I've been sleeping lately, but now it is way too much. From one extreme to the other!
I can go to bed, sleep 6 - 7 hourse, wake up, take my med, take the kid to school, come back home, go to bed about 8:30am and wake up at Noon. Yes, I am totally serious. So, my Mom keeps calling me and asking me to go out for lunch. I think she thinks I will start expecting that call and just stay up out of bed everyday. I do need to do that but, with the weather being the way it is, all I want to do is snuggle up under the nice warm blankets!
And I got a job. I had a great interview with a wonderful woman who contacted all my references the same day and she offered me a job. I was honest and detailed about the stuff from my previous employer and she said I seemed like a great person, and my references gave me glowing reviews so she wasn't worried about anything. If something comes up, we'll handle it together she said. No worries. So, that is awesome! I go to orientation in the morning so, I do have to get to bed.
More later!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Happy 2011
The new year is starting off good.
Elainie is on track to graduate... meaning, I don't have to worry about doing a bunch of stuff in the last two weeks that allows her to graduate. Yeay! And as long as she passes every class she is taking this semester, she will have 17 college credits. Awesome!
John is.... by most means... living with Ashley at her apartment and her roomate Kayla. They say they are scared to live out there alone because there are some freaking people living around them. This is Boone so that is highly possible. They are all legal adults and no matter what anyone says to them, they do what they want. John claims he wll be moving back home in Jan. but I don't see that happening.
Alexis is doing great. Enjoying school and cheerleading. I'd like to see her hanging out with more friends from school. We will work on that.
Jason is in Grundy working on his parents room again. Can't wait til that is done.
I am doing the same as reported in my last blog last year. Sleeping the wrong hours. But I guess right now it doesn't matter that much since I don't have to be anywhere during the day. I am trying to adjust it by going to bed at a certain time and then trying to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.
Found out that none of my doctor appointments are covered by insurance. I hate insurance and all their stupid rules. If a person is sick, they are sick and that's what they have insurance for... to cover medical bills. Insurance is a rip off.
I tried the Cranberry flavor Sierra Mist and it is good. I like it.
I had a job interview. I have to wait 7 - 10 days to see if I get it. It will be part time 24 hours per week. But I will make more than I did at CDS. It works out so that I will be working less hours but making the same amount as I did at CDS. That works for me. Hope I hear good news from that.
That's about all I have to say right now.
I hope 2011, brings good things to our house and to everyone else too.
Elainie is on track to graduate... meaning, I don't have to worry about doing a bunch of stuff in the last two weeks that allows her to graduate. Yeay! And as long as she passes every class she is taking this semester, she will have 17 college credits. Awesome!
John is.... by most means... living with Ashley at her apartment and her roomate Kayla. They say they are scared to live out there alone because there are some freaking people living around them. This is Boone so that is highly possible. They are all legal adults and no matter what anyone says to them, they do what they want. John claims he wll be moving back home in Jan. but I don't see that happening.
Alexis is doing great. Enjoying school and cheerleading. I'd like to see her hanging out with more friends from school. We will work on that.
Jason is in Grundy working on his parents room again. Can't wait til that is done.
I am doing the same as reported in my last blog last year. Sleeping the wrong hours. But I guess right now it doesn't matter that much since I don't have to be anywhere during the day. I am trying to adjust it by going to bed at a certain time and then trying to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.
Found out that none of my doctor appointments are covered by insurance. I hate insurance and all their stupid rules. If a person is sick, they are sick and that's what they have insurance for... to cover medical bills. Insurance is a rip off.
I tried the Cranberry flavor Sierra Mist and it is good. I like it.
I had a job interview. I have to wait 7 - 10 days to see if I get it. It will be part time 24 hours per week. But I will make more than I did at CDS. It works out so that I will be working less hours but making the same amount as I did at CDS. That works for me. Hope I hear good news from that.
That's about all I have to say right now.
I hope 2011, brings good things to our house and to everyone else too.
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