Wow! I am getting closer to having an actual daily blog.
I think that is because I am on a downhill roll with my Depression again.
I do not know why. I do know that it's coming. There is this sensation within that says, "You are heading down to the pit again. No, you are not there yet, but it's coming!" I always hate that sensation because no matter how bad I feel today, I know it's only going to get worse before it gets better. And hitting bottom of the pit is the worst.
The pit is a feeling like falling into a dark hole and it's raining and no matter how hard I try, I can't climb out. The rain turns the dirt to mud and my feet sink into it and as I try to pull myself out, my hands fill with it. The sensation of being all alone is huge, but even worse is the feeling of loneliness. There is no one around. No one cares.
That is the reality of Depression.
There is nothing I can do and no one around to help.
And no one understands.
No, I am not there today. But the feeling that it is coming is strong.
Even the person who I depend on most in my life doesn't help. Sure he tries but only in the next to darkest moments. ALL the other times he forgets about it and acts as if life is one big joke and that it is okay to make me feel bad about my thoughts and actions. Everything I do is wrong because it's not the way he would do it or he thinks that I am a sponge and absorbs everything I see and hear on tv. I should just know stuff. I am not a sponge. And his condesending joke like remarks hurt. And there is nothing I can do about that because he thinks everyone is like him and that everything is a big joke.
I have had friends in the past and present who are going through or been through some tough times. I helped them through that with conversation and suggestions. They are always around when they need something. Now where are those friends? I don't know. Here but Gone. I feel like such a doormat. But if given the opportunity, I would do it again for them. I don't understand why this happens to me. I guess it says "welcome" across my forehead.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I am so... ready to move to TV Land.
I am so angry today.
Why is it that I am the only one who is supposed to work around here. By work I mean, clean, do laundry, dishes, ect. Am I that big of a doormat?
I already know the answer to that is yes, but sometimes I hate the world because of the users that I live with.
All three of my kids were told over a week ago about how this was cleaning weekend. How many cleaned? Two. But at the effort level of .5 and .5 each.
And I can't believe at how uncaring they are about our stuff. Our hard earned stuff that cost money and that we worked very hard to earn.
I found gum on the floor in numerous spots that I had to scrape and towels shoved in the back of the closet stained with food coloring from some "project" and moldy food, wet, moldy towels and makeup stains on furniture and just all kinds of junk all over the floors.
And of course no one did this stuff. It was the other sibling or... no one claimed any wrong doing. It was the house ghost, "not me".
Sometimes I just want to run away from how horrible my life is.
I want to escape this reality.
Where is that picture perfect family as seen on tv? With the perfect house, perfect car, and perfect kids? It does not exist in reality.
I want to escape this reality and I want to go live in TV Land.
Why is it that I am the only one who is supposed to work around here. By work I mean, clean, do laundry, dishes, ect. Am I that big of a doormat?
I already know the answer to that is yes, but sometimes I hate the world because of the users that I live with.
All three of my kids were told over a week ago about how this was cleaning weekend. How many cleaned? Two. But at the effort level of .5 and .5 each.
And I can't believe at how uncaring they are about our stuff. Our hard earned stuff that cost money and that we worked very hard to earn.
I found gum on the floor in numerous spots that I had to scrape and towels shoved in the back of the closet stained with food coloring from some "project" and moldy food, wet, moldy towels and makeup stains on furniture and just all kinds of junk all over the floors.
And of course no one did this stuff. It was the other sibling or... no one claimed any wrong doing. It was the house ghost, "not me".
Sometimes I just want to run away from how horrible my life is.
I want to escape this reality.
Where is that picture perfect family as seen on tv? With the perfect house, perfect car, and perfect kids? It does not exist in reality.
I want to escape this reality and I want to go live in TV Land.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Another wild dream
I usually don't remember having dreams though they say we always have them.
I had a dream that I woke up and discovered that my neighbors house had a fire during the night. It destroyed a majority of the house so it would be considered a total loss. I couldn't believe it because their house is pretty close to our house and when I "woke up" I heard all this noise next door so I went out on our front porch to see what was up. There were fire trucks, ambulances, police, sherriff cars all over the street and yard surrounding the neighbors house. Why would this not have awakened me earlier? It was morning and the house still had some smoke but the fire was under control. So I just kept looking at the house and all the cars and couldn't believe that I slept through all the commotion so close outside my bedroom window.
Realizing I had my pjs on, I went inside to change and when I got back outside, there was a moving company there and they jacked up the house and started moving it off the lot. All the emergency vehicles had left. So I stood on the porch and watched them place a huge trailer under the house and tow it off into the street like childsplay.
So I went to grab my phone to call and tell someone what was all going on and when I returned, guys were filling in the hole with dirt and laying sod over it.
I blinked my eyes and there stood the neighbor guy in front of me. He said we could have the land since they didn't need it anymore.
In reality, my head started swimming and I sat up in bed. What was going on? So I looked out my bedroom window and the house was still there, just as I remembered it had been yesterday. Ah... a dream.
What kind of dream was it? Did it mean something? I tried to analyze the weirdness of it. I came up with this: I've been wanting to move somewhere that I won't have close neighbors,but I like my house. Maybe I thought it easier to get rid of the neighbors. But that makes no sence. But who says dreams have to make sence? No one. So I thought about what appeared to be time lapsing. Maybe I want something to move a lot faster. Maybe I want time to move faster so I can realize a dream of mine. Or maybe, since I seemed so confused during the dream, that time was moving too fast and I felt I was missing out on something important. I guess it was a warning of some sort, but only time will tell.
I had a dream that I woke up and discovered that my neighbors house had a fire during the night. It destroyed a majority of the house so it would be considered a total loss. I couldn't believe it because their house is pretty close to our house and when I "woke up" I heard all this noise next door so I went out on our front porch to see what was up. There were fire trucks, ambulances, police, sherriff cars all over the street and yard surrounding the neighbors house. Why would this not have awakened me earlier? It was morning and the house still had some smoke but the fire was under control. So I just kept looking at the house and all the cars and couldn't believe that I slept through all the commotion so close outside my bedroom window.
Realizing I had my pjs on, I went inside to change and when I got back outside, there was a moving company there and they jacked up the house and started moving it off the lot. All the emergency vehicles had left. So I stood on the porch and watched them place a huge trailer under the house and tow it off into the street like childsplay.
So I went to grab my phone to call and tell someone what was all going on and when I returned, guys were filling in the hole with dirt and laying sod over it.
I blinked my eyes and there stood the neighbor guy in front of me. He said we could have the land since they didn't need it anymore.
In reality, my head started swimming and I sat up in bed. What was going on? So I looked out my bedroom window and the house was still there, just as I remembered it had been yesterday. Ah... a dream.
What kind of dream was it? Did it mean something? I tried to analyze the weirdness of it. I came up with this: I've been wanting to move somewhere that I won't have close neighbors,but I like my house. Maybe I thought it easier to get rid of the neighbors. But that makes no sence. But who says dreams have to make sence? No one. So I thought about what appeared to be time lapsing. Maybe I want something to move a lot faster. Maybe I want time to move faster so I can realize a dream of mine. Or maybe, since I seemed so confused during the dream, that time was moving too fast and I felt I was missing out on something important. I guess it was a warning of some sort, but only time will tell.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Dream - Stroke
I had a pretty vivid dream the other night. In it I had a stroke and it wiped out my memory and I went back in time and was trying to live that life because it was all I could remember. So many things had changed. There were/are new people in my life now vs. back then and it was painful to see certain people hurt because I didn't remember them. But yet, the people in my memory were not the same as they had aged.
Painful because I almost felt like I knew no one but at the same time I felt more at peace with my life in that past than in the "present". It's so hard to explain. Anyway, it was only a weird dream.
Painful because I almost felt like I knew no one but at the same time I felt more at peace with my life in that past than in the "present". It's so hard to explain. Anyway, it was only a weird dream.
Epic Fail
Okay so this may never be a daily blog. I just get too tired everyday to sit at the computer to try to write a creative blog.
I don't remember if I blogged it but my meds were reduced to 150mg. Not too sure that was a good move, but I am having a pretty normal sleep cycle. So that is good. But I am more emotional and can break down from left field... not knowing why.
Looking at alot of changes this year. My son is joining the USAF. My one daughter is graduating high school. The third kid will be a teenager this year. I will be a 40 year old parent of three teenagers. Wow! LOL!
As I was sitting at my daughter's class day today I thought back on my own class day. I was one of those kids who was undecided. As I sat there today, 20 some odd years later, I was still that same kid. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, yeah, it's passing me by. I am a CNA and a dang good one. But I can't help but wonder... is this it? Is this my life? Is this all I will ever do/be?
I don't remember if I blogged it but my meds were reduced to 150mg. Not too sure that was a good move, but I am having a pretty normal sleep cycle. So that is good. But I am more emotional and can break down from left field... not knowing why.
Looking at alot of changes this year. My son is joining the USAF. My one daughter is graduating high school. The third kid will be a teenager this year. I will be a 40 year old parent of three teenagers. Wow! LOL!
As I was sitting at my daughter's class day today I thought back on my own class day. I was one of those kids who was undecided. As I sat there today, 20 some odd years later, I was still that same kid. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, yeah, it's passing me by. I am a CNA and a dang good one. But I can't help but wonder... is this it? Is this my life? Is this all I will ever do/be?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
New Beginnings...
This was an old blog that I had started awhile back. I decided to start a daily blog so I have erased the majority of the past blog. I have kept some of the older entries as references to the past to to help start a more personal blog that will contain my daily thoughts and actions... Doogie Howser style but I probably won't include any lessons at the end.
I am not a smart person. I am just an average Jane Doe trying to live my life the best way I know how. I am not rich. I am not beautiful. I make bad decisions. I can sit here and list all the things I am not, or start a list on all the things I am. But that would make for boring reading. Not that this blog will ever be exciting, but like the page says at the top "these are my stories, like them or not."
Thanks for reading or/or subscribing.
I am not a smart person. I am just an average Jane Doe trying to live my life the best way I know how. I am not rich. I am not beautiful. I make bad decisions. I can sit here and list all the things I am not, or start a list on all the things I am. But that would make for boring reading. Not that this blog will ever be exciting, but like the page says at the top "these are my stories, like them or not."
Thanks for reading or/or subscribing.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Thinking...
I was thinking today while I was doing another project that I still haven't started the daily blog. I will start doing that. Today is the first day and I might as well just go ahead and use THIS one since... it's already started and gives some background to things. Most blogs will be personal and probably sound pretty stupid at first... but it will be an out where I can think about things.
So... to UPDATE since some of the older blogs...
Yes, I still work for the staffing company. I have worked at the following locations and still love working for them. I love the fact that I don't get drawn into all the drama anywhere. I like to learn new things from different places how to do the exact same things. I also see other things where certain places need improvment and where other places excel.
I have worked at:
Bethany Manor in Story City, IA
Perry Healthcare Center in Perry, IA
Polk City Nursing & Rehab Center in Polk City, IA
On With Life in Ankeny, IA
and Homecare company in Ames, IA
I got five new fish for my aquarium yesterday. All the others are doing great especially Elainie's goldfish. It has grown huge! Thinking of moving it to a new location since the biggest fish in the tank shouldn't be a goldfish, in my opinion.
The new fish are four red eyed tetras and one algea eater. Alexis thinks the algea eater is so cute. okay.
The tank is doing good.
I haven't taken many photos for my brother's weekly ameteaur photography postings. But I might get back into it soon.
The big question: How is my mental health?
Well, since the doc upped my med to 225mg, it got a lot better, but then it turned for the not so good. I was only able to successfully stay awake for 8 - 10 hours a day. That got me through work and then I'd get home and go right back to sleep. So, we decided to decrease it back down to 150mg. That helped a lot with the sleeping and increased energy, but I got headaches and old symptoms started back up that I feel happening and when I feel it I have been trying to control on my own. However, controling on my own got me in a huge mess before starting any meds. I have a Dr. apt. April 15, to re-evaluate. Maybe there is a lucky dose between 150 & 225?
Also with meds. I have learned to hate dealing with Insurance Companies. They love red tape and make simple things as complex as possible. Like for example, my meds. They refuse to pay for the original prescription because I was using a generic and the generic was not recognized as a drug to them. So they had the pharmacist switch it to the name brand and then decided that they wouldn't pay for it. So, it was going to be over $200. per month. But Jason's insurance company (yes, we have 2 diff companies) has a drug plan that helped pay a portion leaving us to pay "only" $116. per month. Luckily, our pharmacist caught on and said lets see it we can figure something else out. So he had Dr. T represcribe the pills into a capsule form and WAHLA! The insurance pays all but $5. STUPID! But anyway, thank you Mr. Hy-Vee Pharmcist.
My physical health? Pretty good other than an occassional spasm & slight pain in the neck. Yeah, I'm watching it. Doing exercises with it, keeping it as good as possible by watching what I am doing. Most the time it is okay and all is well.
We are painting our basement. John & Jason helped some, and I have been working on the rest. I hate painting over bricks and blocks. Doesn't coverthe best which is why it's taking so long to do. But once done, it's going to be a great place for our family to be. And hopefully it gets used!
Elainie has Prom and Graduation coming up. She got a job at Bethany Manor in Story City as a CNA. Starts soon PRN, then after school is out, she goes fulltime on the evening shift.
All for now. Until 2mro!
So... to UPDATE since some of the older blogs...
Yes, I still work for the staffing company. I have worked at the following locations and still love working for them. I love the fact that I don't get drawn into all the drama anywhere. I like to learn new things from different places how to do the exact same things. I also see other things where certain places need improvment and where other places excel.
I have worked at:
Bethany Manor in Story City, IA
Perry Healthcare Center in Perry, IA
Polk City Nursing & Rehab Center in Polk City, IA
On With Life in Ankeny, IA
and Homecare company in Ames, IA
I got five new fish for my aquarium yesterday. All the others are doing great especially Elainie's goldfish. It has grown huge! Thinking of moving it to a new location since the biggest fish in the tank shouldn't be a goldfish, in my opinion.
The new fish are four red eyed tetras and one algea eater. Alexis thinks the algea eater is so cute. okay.
The tank is doing good.
I haven't taken many photos for my brother's weekly ameteaur photography postings. But I might get back into it soon.
The big question: How is my mental health?
Well, since the doc upped my med to 225mg, it got a lot better, but then it turned for the not so good. I was only able to successfully stay awake for 8 - 10 hours a day. That got me through work and then I'd get home and go right back to sleep. So, we decided to decrease it back down to 150mg. That helped a lot with the sleeping and increased energy, but I got headaches and old symptoms started back up that I feel happening and when I feel it I have been trying to control on my own. However, controling on my own got me in a huge mess before starting any meds. I have a Dr. apt. April 15, to re-evaluate. Maybe there is a lucky dose between 150 & 225?
Also with meds. I have learned to hate dealing with Insurance Companies. They love red tape and make simple things as complex as possible. Like for example, my meds. They refuse to pay for the original prescription because I was using a generic and the generic was not recognized as a drug to them. So they had the pharmacist switch it to the name brand and then decided that they wouldn't pay for it. So, it was going to be over $200. per month. But Jason's insurance company (yes, we have 2 diff companies) has a drug plan that helped pay a portion leaving us to pay "only" $116. per month. Luckily, our pharmacist caught on and said lets see it we can figure something else out. So he had Dr. T represcribe the pills into a capsule form and WAHLA! The insurance pays all but $5. STUPID! But anyway, thank you Mr. Hy-Vee Pharmcist.
My physical health? Pretty good other than an occassional spasm & slight pain in the neck. Yeah, I'm watching it. Doing exercises with it, keeping it as good as possible by watching what I am doing. Most the time it is okay and all is well.
We are painting our basement. John & Jason helped some, and I have been working on the rest. I hate painting over bricks and blocks. Doesn't coverthe best which is why it's taking so long to do. But once done, it's going to be a great place for our family to be. And hopefully it gets used!
Elainie has Prom and Graduation coming up. She got a job at Bethany Manor in Story City as a CNA. Starts soon PRN, then after school is out, she goes fulltime on the evening shift.
All for now. Until 2mro!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life does go on...
Yes, it has been awhile since I blogged on this blog. I have blogged on another blog a couple times. One day soon I will just have ONE blog and it will be a daily blog.
I've been sleeping lately, but now it is way too much. From one extreme to the other!
I can go to bed, sleep 6 - 7 hourse, wake up, take my med, take the kid to school, come back home, go to bed about 8:30am and wake up at Noon. Yes, I am totally serious. So, my Mom keeps calling me and asking me to go out for lunch. I think she thinks I will start expecting that call and just stay up out of bed everyday. I do need to do that but, with the weather being the way it is, all I want to do is snuggle up under the nice warm blankets!
And I got a job. I had a great interview with a wonderful woman who contacted all my references the same day and she offered me a job. I was honest and detailed about the stuff from my previous employer and she said I seemed like a great person, and my references gave me glowing reviews so she wasn't worried about anything. If something comes up, we'll handle it together she said. No worries. So, that is awesome! I go to orientation in the morning so, I do have to get to bed.
More later!
I've been sleeping lately, but now it is way too much. From one extreme to the other!
I can go to bed, sleep 6 - 7 hourse, wake up, take my med, take the kid to school, come back home, go to bed about 8:30am and wake up at Noon. Yes, I am totally serious. So, my Mom keeps calling me and asking me to go out for lunch. I think she thinks I will start expecting that call and just stay up out of bed everyday. I do need to do that but, with the weather being the way it is, all I want to do is snuggle up under the nice warm blankets!
And I got a job. I had a great interview with a wonderful woman who contacted all my references the same day and she offered me a job. I was honest and detailed about the stuff from my previous employer and she said I seemed like a great person, and my references gave me glowing reviews so she wasn't worried about anything. If something comes up, we'll handle it together she said. No worries. So, that is awesome! I go to orientation in the morning so, I do have to get to bed.
More later!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Happy 2011
The new year is starting off good.
Elainie is on track to graduate... meaning, I don't have to worry about doing a bunch of stuff in the last two weeks that allows her to graduate. Yeay! And as long as she passes every class she is taking this semester, she will have 17 college credits. Awesome!
John is.... by most means... living with Ashley at her apartment and her roomate Kayla. They say they are scared to live out there alone because there are some freaking people living around them. This is Boone so that is highly possible. They are all legal adults and no matter what anyone says to them, they do what they want. John claims he wll be moving back home in Jan. but I don't see that happening.
Alexis is doing great. Enjoying school and cheerleading. I'd like to see her hanging out with more friends from school. We will work on that.
Jason is in Grundy working on his parents room again. Can't wait til that is done.
I am doing the same as reported in my last blog last year. Sleeping the wrong hours. But I guess right now it doesn't matter that much since I don't have to be anywhere during the day. I am trying to adjust it by going to bed at a certain time and then trying to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.
Found out that none of my doctor appointments are covered by insurance. I hate insurance and all their stupid rules. If a person is sick, they are sick and that's what they have insurance for... to cover medical bills. Insurance is a rip off.
I tried the Cranberry flavor Sierra Mist and it is good. I like it.
I had a job interview. I have to wait 7 - 10 days to see if I get it. It will be part time 24 hours per week. But I will make more than I did at CDS. It works out so that I will be working less hours but making the same amount as I did at CDS. That works for me. Hope I hear good news from that.
That's about all I have to say right now.
I hope 2011, brings good things to our house and to everyone else too.
Elainie is on track to graduate... meaning, I don't have to worry about doing a bunch of stuff in the last two weeks that allows her to graduate. Yeay! And as long as she passes every class she is taking this semester, she will have 17 college credits. Awesome!
John is.... by most means... living with Ashley at her apartment and her roomate Kayla. They say they are scared to live out there alone because there are some freaking people living around them. This is Boone so that is highly possible. They are all legal adults and no matter what anyone says to them, they do what they want. John claims he wll be moving back home in Jan. but I don't see that happening.
Alexis is doing great. Enjoying school and cheerleading. I'd like to see her hanging out with more friends from school. We will work on that.
Jason is in Grundy working on his parents room again. Can't wait til that is done.
I am doing the same as reported in my last blog last year. Sleeping the wrong hours. But I guess right now it doesn't matter that much since I don't have to be anywhere during the day. I am trying to adjust it by going to bed at a certain time and then trying to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.
Found out that none of my doctor appointments are covered by insurance. I hate insurance and all their stupid rules. If a person is sick, they are sick and that's what they have insurance for... to cover medical bills. Insurance is a rip off.
I tried the Cranberry flavor Sierra Mist and it is good. I like it.
I had a job interview. I have to wait 7 - 10 days to see if I get it. It will be part time 24 hours per week. But I will make more than I did at CDS. It works out so that I will be working less hours but making the same amount as I did at CDS. That works for me. Hope I hear good news from that.
That's about all I have to say right now.
I hope 2011, brings good things to our house and to everyone else too.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Celebrations!
I had a rough night sleeping again but I finally slept 6 hours in a row! Now, the hours were not in the proper place but it was 6 hours! I feel good because that alone is an accomplishment! Now I have to get the 6 hours to be AT NIGHT! I slept from 6am to Noon today. I need it to be like Midnight to 6am though. I will keep working on that!
Other than that the only news I have to report is that my temp job ended. I am now on what I'm going to call "vacation" because that sounds much nicer than "unemployed". Plus it's more positive that I WILL find a job and hopefully by the end of January. I filled out more job applications and am hoping to hear my phone ring. Gotta stay positive.
Today I had no plans but I have thought about starting working on cleaning the basement room to get ready to put a space heater down there so when we get around to painting, it won't be soooo cold down there so the paint will stick and dry. OR cleaning one of the girls bedrooms upstairs and sorting through their clothes. Bag up old ones for a garage sale in the spring or find hand me downs ... the girls always love it when we do this... not.
I will blog again next year! Until then, stay safe!
Other than that the only news I have to report is that my temp job ended. I am now on what I'm going to call "vacation" because that sounds much nicer than "unemployed". Plus it's more positive that I WILL find a job and hopefully by the end of January. I filled out more job applications and am hoping to hear my phone ring. Gotta stay positive.
Today I had no plans but I have thought about starting working on cleaning the basement room to get ready to put a space heater down there so when we get around to painting, it won't be soooo cold down there so the paint will stick and dry. OR cleaning one of the girls bedrooms upstairs and sorting through their clothes. Bag up old ones for a garage sale in the spring or find hand me downs ... the girls always love it when we do this... not.
I will blog again next year! Until then, stay safe!
Monday, December 20, 2010
December Blues
Another visit to the doctor resulted in another increase in my medication. I now take the 225mg dose. The pill is larger than an M&M which worried me at first because I am not a good pill taker the larger the pills get. But I am able to get this one down with ease. Must be the slick coating.
I still do not sleep the best but it is getting better. I don't use the mouthguard much anymore unless my teeth start to hurt. The first three days I did have achey headaches that are minimal in pain but cover the entire head. I've been able to get through most of them without the use of Advil. Only 1 day did I take Advil but that was because I was at working staring at the computer screen and I took one so it wouldn't get worse.
I am sleeping only a few hours at a time but I go right back to sleep after a few minutes of awakeness. Before I would be awake for a half hour or more. So this is good. However, I am finding that I am more sleepy in the mornings and am finding it harder to get out of bed.
In other news, I did fill out more job applications and did have one job interview. I loved the job description but they had a list a mile long of people that they interviewed so I don't think I will get it. It's sad because for every 10 job applications filled out, I only get one phone call.
My Temp job ends Dec. 30. If I don't know I have a job at that date then my world completely ends as I know it. This makes me worried as this might cause a worsening of my depression. I found that if I am left all alone with no one else around, I have episodes of increased depressive attitude & behaviors. So... people are good to be around so having a job is also important for that reason.
I think my Christmas shopping is done. I still need to wrap some presents. I didn't do much decorating this year. I don't even have any nutcrackers out. Now that is insane! I have the tree out and some lights outside on the porch & bushes. But I wasn't picky this year so it doesn't look the best. It's almost like going through the actions without really having the joy. There is a Christmas song like that... it goes like this:
"Where Are You Christmas"
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
I still do not sleep the best but it is getting better. I don't use the mouthguard much anymore unless my teeth start to hurt. The first three days I did have achey headaches that are minimal in pain but cover the entire head. I've been able to get through most of them without the use of Advil. Only 1 day did I take Advil but that was because I was at working staring at the computer screen and I took one so it wouldn't get worse.
I am sleeping only a few hours at a time but I go right back to sleep after a few minutes of awakeness. Before I would be awake for a half hour or more. So this is good. However, I am finding that I am more sleepy in the mornings and am finding it harder to get out of bed.
In other news, I did fill out more job applications and did have one job interview. I loved the job description but they had a list a mile long of people that they interviewed so I don't think I will get it. It's sad because for every 10 job applications filled out, I only get one phone call.
My Temp job ends Dec. 30. If I don't know I have a job at that date then my world completely ends as I know it. This makes me worried as this might cause a worsening of my depression. I found that if I am left all alone with no one else around, I have episodes of increased depressive attitude & behaviors. So... people are good to be around so having a job is also important for that reason.
I think my Christmas shopping is done. I still need to wrap some presents. I didn't do much decorating this year. I don't even have any nutcrackers out. Now that is insane! I have the tree out and some lights outside on the porch & bushes. But I wasn't picky this year so it doesn't look the best. It's almost like going through the actions without really having the joy. There is a Christmas song like that... it goes like this:
"Where Are You Christmas"
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too
Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time
I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
another week
It has been a week now since my meds were doubled. I have not experienced any major problems. Still not sleeping well. I bought a new pillow to try. Then I thought that when I sleep I put a lot of pressure on my chin and my teeth hurt some so I also got a mouth guard. I slept a little better but still not the best. Last night I slept on the couch with my pillow and I forgot the mouth guard but it was the best night sleep I have had so far... but I did wake up several times while changing positions, but I went right back to sleep. This is good. Hoping for even better sleep soon.
At work I have been plugging my headset into the radio on the next desk. I've been listening to Christmas music the last two days. Much better than some of the stuff the kids have on their and my iPods. I heard a song about Christmas in Iowa. It was interesting.
I've been walking the dog almost every night after work. It's getting colder so our walks are getting even shorter.
John and I are going to work on a project. We are going to make the room at the bottom of the basement stairs into a workout room. Bring the treadmill and weight bench in there. Plus the mats and balance and exercise balls. It will be good for this winter for all of us.
I have been searching websites for jobs. Applied for a couple but have heard nothing.
Will keep trying since my job ends in Dec. Gotta have a new job... soon.
At work I have been plugging my headset into the radio on the next desk. I've been listening to Christmas music the last two days. Much better than some of the stuff the kids have on their and my iPods. I heard a song about Christmas in Iowa. It was interesting.
I've been walking the dog almost every night after work. It's getting colder so our walks are getting even shorter.
John and I are going to work on a project. We are going to make the room at the bottom of the basement stairs into a workout room. Bring the treadmill and weight bench in there. Plus the mats and balance and exercise balls. It will be good for this winter for all of us.
I have been searching websites for jobs. Applied for a couple but have heard nothing.
Will keep trying since my job ends in Dec. Gotta have a new job... soon.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Doctor part 2
I am continueing from the earlier post.
So... since that post my medication was double twice.
I experienced headaches at the changes. I dont have headaches now. I experiece a hard time sleeping. I sleep for only a couple hours at a time and then sleep very lightly. I bought a new pillow in hopes that helps. I am sleeping a little better with it, but not a total good nights sleep yet. I also experience a physical difference with output that I will not mention here. I am also experiencing a HUGE appetite.... but when I eat, I get the sensation that I don't want to eat so then I actually eat very little.
Part of my doctor's suggestion is that I take our dog on walks. So I have been doing that. It has been good for her and me. But it's getting colder so our walks are getting shorter.
My labs mostly came back mainly normal. That which was not normal were:
Glucose Fast - high at 101 (normal 70 - 100)
Potassium was high at 409 (normal 3.6 - 4.8)
neut was high at 74.3 (normal 50 - 70)
lymph was low at 18.4 (normal 25 - 40)
The only thing he was concerned about was the Glucose. He said he wanted to watch that but thought it would be ok. He just said to maintain or loose some weight.
I was a bit concerned about lymph as it seemed farther out of normal range than anything but he said that it was fine.
So the good news is that I lost 6 lbs. in 2 weeks. No, that's not much but it has stayed off. Usually I lose weight and it comes right back.
My temp job ends in December. So I have been online looking for a new job.
Some days are still hard. I can get emotional at the slightest thing but its sadness... but irritability is better.
I am not alone in this fight with myself. Jason has been good with helping me stand in the rain.
So... since that post my medication was double twice.
I experienced headaches at the changes. I dont have headaches now. I experiece a hard time sleeping. I sleep for only a couple hours at a time and then sleep very lightly. I bought a new pillow in hopes that helps. I am sleeping a little better with it, but not a total good nights sleep yet. I also experience a physical difference with output that I will not mention here. I am also experiencing a HUGE appetite.... but when I eat, I get the sensation that I don't want to eat so then I actually eat very little.
Part of my doctor's suggestion is that I take our dog on walks. So I have been doing that. It has been good for her and me. But it's getting colder so our walks are getting shorter.
My labs mostly came back mainly normal. That which was not normal were:
Glucose Fast - high at 101 (normal 70 - 100)
Potassium was high at 409 (normal 3.6 - 4.8)
neut was high at 74.3 (normal 50 - 70)
lymph was low at 18.4 (normal 25 - 40)
The only thing he was concerned about was the Glucose. He said he wanted to watch that but thought it would be ok. He just said to maintain or loose some weight.
I was a bit concerned about lymph as it seemed farther out of normal range than anything but he said that it was fine.
So the good news is that I lost 6 lbs. in 2 weeks. No, that's not much but it has stayed off. Usually I lose weight and it comes right back.
My temp job ends in December. So I have been online looking for a new job.
Some days are still hard. I can get emotional at the slightest thing but its sadness... but irritability is better.
I am not alone in this fight with myself. Jason has been good with helping me stand in the rain.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Doctor.
I visited the doctor due to depression and irritabilty issues.
He put me on an anti-depressant medication called Venlafaxine. Venlafaxine is in a class of medications called selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). It works by increasing the amounts of serotonin and norepinephrine, natural substances in the brain that help maintain mental balance.
More info later...
He put me on an anti-depressant medication called Venlafaxine. Venlafaxine is in a class of medications called selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs). It works by increasing the amounts of serotonin and norepinephrine, natural substances in the brain that help maintain mental balance.
More info later...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
SUPER Songs
I have a new group that I like... well, I think it's a group.
It's SUPERCHICK!
Now, you might think that's crazy. Well, go ahead and think that but they have some pretty good songs. Three of my favorites are "Courage," "Stand in the Rain", and "Hey, Hey".
You can click the links (or maybe you have to cut and paste) below to hear them.
"Courage" is a song about anorexia, however, it can be applied to other illnesses. I think it applies really well to how a person feels with Depression. Just change the one line of lyrics about not remembering when decided not to eat to... owh... not remembering the first time discovered feeling sad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2MemtgASVA
"Hey, Hey" is a song I just like because it sticks it to the people who I have grown so tired of dealing with in my life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQYMYSs3pV8&feature=related
Stand In The Rain:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZjRMa7Pmj4&feature=related
Enjoy!
It's SUPERCHICK!
Now, you might think that's crazy. Well, go ahead and think that but they have some pretty good songs. Three of my favorites are "Courage," "Stand in the Rain", and "Hey, Hey".
You can click the links (or maybe you have to cut and paste) below to hear them.
"Courage" is a song about anorexia, however, it can be applied to other illnesses. I think it applies really well to how a person feels with Depression. Just change the one line of lyrics about not remembering when decided not to eat to... owh... not remembering the first time discovered feeling sad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2MemtgASVA
"Hey, Hey" is a song I just like because it sticks it to the people who I have grown so tired of dealing with in my life:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQYMYSs3pV8&feature=related
Stand In The Rain:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZjRMa7Pmj4&feature=related
Enjoy!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
What do you do?
What do you do when things are blue for you?
What do you do when you know what you want to do, but can't?
What do you do when life doesn't go the way you want it to?
What do you do when people you think are friends, really aren't?
What do you do when you want to sleep but can't?
What do you do when your mind is racing and you can't stop it?
What do you do when you loose control of situations?
What do you do when you just can't be you?
What do you do when you know what you want to do, but can't?
What do you do when life doesn't go the way you want it to?
What do you do when people you think are friends, really aren't?
What do you do when you want to sleep but can't?
What do you do when your mind is racing and you can't stop it?
What do you do when you loose control of situations?
What do you do when you just can't be you?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Being Injured... changing directions
Being injured at work sucks.
July 11 I got hurt at work. I woke up July 12 in lots of pain, I woke up July 13, not being able to get out of bed on my own. My lower back was causing me so much pain. My neck and left shoulder hurt bad too.
So I went to a doctor that work sent me to. Some x-rays and 3 drugs later I went home. I felt better three days later. Well, my lower back pain disapperaed. I think the lower back pain was covering the pain of the shoulder area because the shoulder continued to hurt. Old injury made worse... and it keeps hanging on.
Today was the first day that I woke up that my shoulder didn't hurt. Now, it's not 100%, but it didn't hurt. I still felt tingling and a bruised feeling. Will that ever go away?
The doc wants me to do Physical Therapy and come back in 2 weeks. He said PT would call and set up some times. Yet, they haven't called to set me up with any PT yet. Two weeks are ticking away quickly.
I am thinking more and more that I have to get out of this career, move into something above this. I can't take much more pain. I can't take being injured from my work.
I am taking Physiology during the fall semester at DMACC. I am nervous because I haven't been to school in awhile and looking through the teacher's notes, it's gonna be hard. I paid for the class with money that should've been used to pay bills. I also obviously bought the teacher's notes. I have to wait to buy the books on the 19th. Class starts the 26th.
Nothing easy is worth doing. I know. Perhaps I need to look at this as something I have to do. I am going to get totally exhausted between August and December with work, school, and traveling for Alexis' cheer competitions.
I know I can do this... just wish me luck. ;-)
July 11 I got hurt at work. I woke up July 12 in lots of pain, I woke up July 13, not being able to get out of bed on my own. My lower back was causing me so much pain. My neck and left shoulder hurt bad too.
So I went to a doctor that work sent me to. Some x-rays and 3 drugs later I went home. I felt better three days later. Well, my lower back pain disapperaed. I think the lower back pain was covering the pain of the shoulder area because the shoulder continued to hurt. Old injury made worse... and it keeps hanging on.
Today was the first day that I woke up that my shoulder didn't hurt. Now, it's not 100%, but it didn't hurt. I still felt tingling and a bruised feeling. Will that ever go away?
The doc wants me to do Physical Therapy and come back in 2 weeks. He said PT would call and set up some times. Yet, they haven't called to set me up with any PT yet. Two weeks are ticking away quickly.
I am thinking more and more that I have to get out of this career, move into something above this. I can't take much more pain. I can't take being injured from my work.
I am taking Physiology during the fall semester at DMACC. I am nervous because I haven't been to school in awhile and looking through the teacher's notes, it's gonna be hard. I paid for the class with money that should've been used to pay bills. I also obviously bought the teacher's notes. I have to wait to buy the books on the 19th. Class starts the 26th.
Nothing easy is worth doing. I know. Perhaps I need to look at this as something I have to do. I am going to get totally exhausted between August and December with work, school, and traveling for Alexis' cheer competitions.
I know I can do this... just wish me luck. ;-)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Quotes...
"And it's me who is my enemy, me who beats me up, me who makes the monsters, me who strips my confidence, and it's me who is too weak, and it's me who is too shy to ask for the thing I love."
Life is cruel and unfair, my friends, and that is fact.
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
"It's just when you want... no when you need people to be there for you, They're not.. they're like a million miles away And when you think somoene is totally reliable and trustworthy and you've built your whole life around them and then it turns out they were never that person."
I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me. -- Dr. Seuss
Life is cruel and unfair, my friends, and that is fact.
"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
"It's just when you want... no when you need people to be there for you, They're not.. they're like a million miles away And when you think somoene is totally reliable and trustworthy and you've built your whole life around them and then it turns out they were never that person."
I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me. -- Dr. Seuss
Sunday, April 25, 2010
In case you were wondering..
Where did I get the "I have a voice."
I got it after hearing this song in a movie a long time ago and it kindof stuck inmy brain and so I just decided to use something close to it:
I am one voice and I am singing
I am one voice and I am singing
I am one voice and I am singing
I am not alone
We are two voices we are singing
We are two voices we are singing
We are two voices we are singing
We are not alone
We are a hundred voices singing
We are a hundred voices singing
We are a hundred voices singing
We are not alone
We are a thousand voices singing
We are a thousand voices singing
We are a thousand voices singing
We are not alone
We are a million voices singing
We are a million voices singing
We are a million voices singing
We are not alone
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am not alone
I got it after hearing this song in a movie a long time ago and it kindof stuck inmy brain and so I just decided to use something close to it:
I am one voice and I am singing
I am one voice and I am singing
I am one voice and I am singing
I am not alone
We are two voices we are singing
We are two voices we are singing
We are two voices we are singing
We are not alone
We are a hundred voices singing
We are a hundred voices singing
We are a hundred voices singing
We are not alone
We are a thousand voices singing
We are a thousand voices singing
We are a thousand voices singing
We are not alone
We are a million voices singing
We are a million voices singing
We are a million voices singing
We are not alone
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am one voice and I'll keep singing
I am not alone
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